Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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