There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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