you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
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