I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
