when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
