so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
