he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
