just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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