I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize