Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think a kid would responsible me up
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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