Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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