Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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