he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
