In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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