I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
should my penis look like a turkey
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
