census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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