I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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