Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We had to coat check the pizza.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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