Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize