if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
