Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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