dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
