craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize