dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
