i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
