My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
