i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
if only i could text you this smell
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
