When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize