not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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