Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
