Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
