Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
