We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Dick very happy bro
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
