Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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