DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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