Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
