i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
