Michael Bay diarrhea
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
