false alarm. still invincible.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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