i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
