like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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