Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
