nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
