trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
