Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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