My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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