Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
