My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
