This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
