I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
