My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
