i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
