Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
