I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
