i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
