you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
