I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
