I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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