He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
