there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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