someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
