We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
