I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
